Apples are a staple of Fall baking and no doubt some of you are throwing an apple pie or crumble in the oven for Thanksgiving. So many varieties to choose from. The horrible Delicious Apple that was in our school lunch box. The envied Honeycrisp from right here in Minnesota. I look forward to hitting a local orchard every season to celebrate the fruit. (A shout out to my personal favorite Pleasant Valley in Scandia MN.)
I have found a resource for you of All-Things-Appples. It is called Apple Rankings and is the brain child of a Brian Frange. No surprise that he is both a comedian and writer as well by trade. His website is a simple but worthy dive into everything you could want to know about rating said apples.
"Selectively bred to snap like a sweet piece of celery, this apple, available only in September and October (if we’re lucky) in certain super markets is the best apple ever to grace the world of Gods and men."
"A middling sweet-tart taste and ordinary crunch is double majored with granular apple meat and electrical tape skin."
"The perfect blend of sweet and tart, this fiery bitch is a headliner at supermarkets worldwide. Not as snappy as you’d like, and dense enough to hammer a nail, this unflappable cart-stopper is a true trailblazer as the first apple name to be awarded a trademark."
He is not one to mince words with strong opinions all around. I'll leave you to solve which varieties these quotes apply to. The site is easy to search in alpha order. The Apple page then notes the 3 Key Flavor options in the profile; Sweetness, Tartness, Intensity. As well as ratings on 9 other attributes from Cost to Skin & Density. So if you know what sort of pome hits your taste buds, the profiles should zero you in on a few matches guaranteed to please. There are great photos and usually a borrowed YouTube video highlighting the breed. Plenty of color codes. And most fascinating - comparisons: "Eat these apples instead..." That is not to say that many of the comments are not worth reading as well. It is obvious that many take their favorites seriously and eagerly defend the harsh remarks Brian utters! I love the box scores that go from Despicable to Nearly Perfect. None get a perfect one hundred.
I am great with the Top 3 which includes a rare Kanzi imported from the Netherlands. I was lucky enough to stumble onto it in a Farmer's Market in Brooklyn and it has stayed with me some 10 years hence. I am on the lookout for them always, but they have not made it to the Midwest at this point. So I am fine with my 2nd choices of Honeycrisp and SweeTango. Check him out.
